I’m in my 80s and have 2 kids. How do I choose between them to be my executor?

Mother & Wife

Related: I’m the executor of my mother’s will. She left $160,000 in a secret savings account. Should I tell my siblings?

Dear Mother & Wife,

It sounds like you have the perfect team.

One child lives nearby and is hands-on and can get things done; the other child is moving far away, but has the expertise to organize your affairs. They can work together as co-executors, each one complementing the other’s skills. Leaving aside the tasks that can be completed online, your practical child who lives nearby can implement the more analogue tasks with the help of your child who knows legal documents and finance. 

An executor has a fiduciary duty to act in your best interests and is required to produce an inventory of the assets, cash flows, expenses, sales and other matters (such as tax documents). If you die before your husband and he is unhappy with the executor, for example, he would have the legal right to remove them. But it seems like you have already met that first, big hurdle: trustworthiness. If they are both mentally fit to act in a legal capacity, it’s a win-win.

Anthony J. Enea, a managing partner at law firm Enea, Scanlan & Sirignano LLP, which has offices in New York, also recommends two executors to keep each other accountable. “I often recommend that if a child is to be selected as a successor executor, trustee or agent under power of attorney — and you have more than one child — that it is wise to select two children, if possible, so as to create an inherent system of checks and balances.”

Distributing the power and authority

This also helps avoid the possibility of one person shouldering too much power and authority, he adds. “This promotes decisions being made after a discussion with the other executor, trustee or agent, and after consensus is achieved,” Enea says. “This is particularly important with respect to agents under a POA wherein the selected agents in many instances is given great financial powers including the power to gift assets to himself, herself and/or others.”

“It is not unusual for a client when deciding between one child and another to be very concerned about hurting the feelings of a child by not selecting him or her, even though that child may be older than the child that would be the logical choice because of his or her knowledge and experience,” he adds. “If offending and/or hurting a child’s feelings is an important issue, then perhaps selecting co-executors, co-trustees and co-agents under a POA will be the solution.”

It can go wrong: One reader wrote to me about one of her sisters, who appeared to have gone on a power trip after being made executor of their parents’ will. “My sister was left as executor but immediately joined with another sister to start controlling our mother’s assets,” the reader wrote. “We have asked her to perform an inventory of our mom’s belongings, but she has refused and suggested she will keep my mother’s home and house possessions.”

For someone who did not have any children, or did not have kids they trust as much as you trust yours, they could consult with the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys and the National Association of Estate Planners & Councils. Word of mouth is invaluable: They could be friends and extended family. You’re right to plan now and thereby avoid any necessity for a  paper chase after you’re gone. It will make the process run more smoothly and, hopefully, cheaply.

Congratulations on making it to your 80s — and here’s to many more years ahead.

Related: I’m administrator of my sister’s estate. Her bank won’t tell me the names of her beneficiaries. Is that legal?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. 

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

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